Sta.sh
Okay so. . .this is very cathartic and I don't want to offend anyone but I really need to get this off my chest and it's probably REALLY boring, whiny and emo or something so. . .yeah. . .don't worry about it. Nothing BIG is really going down and I do have a few things I've drawn but I'm lazy and working harder on re-installing my scanning software (I screwed something up) because I don't want to have to use Boyfriend's computer for it and. . .yeah. . .I'm sorry. . .I hope life is going well for all of you, though, and I'm so happy and thankful that you guys put up with me and my B.S.
We'll start with the end. I read the first chapter of "50 Shades of Grey" and I had to put it away. First of all, it's in first person. . .like the Twilight Books. . .which makes me a little wary, especially since the covers are similar as well. Second, I just can not relate to this girl. She sounds like your average heroine in a rom-com! A young collegian, about 23 years old, "average looking", uber CLUMSY, . . .And how convenient that her room mate has parents who are filthy stinking rich. Oh yes! Because ALL my friends have Mercedes and their parents own the place we're staying in AND my job is severely flexible. Oh yes. So. . I don't know. I have only read, like, two real romance novels in my life and parts of this sound just like that. The man is equally young, drop dead gorgeous, rich, there's static EVERY time they touch, etc. I know I should give it a chance. . .I guess I was hoping for some kind of intellectually stimulating "mommy porn" (as the media is calling it here in the states) but it doesn't sound like it. Knowing me, though, I will drag myself through it because EVERYONE is reading this effing book and, if I can make it through the effing agonizing Twilight series, then I can make it through at least one of these books. Maybe I'll get hooked. More likely I'll donate it to my 27 y/o friend who will enjoy it more, as she has a more open mind. . .like I thought I had but have discovered that I don't.
I have forced my mind to be incredibly open all my life and have broken myself to be everything to everyone and I suddenly realized the other day that I am 30 freaking years old! If I don't want to eat what is served to me, I don't have to! If I don't want to bow into peer pressure, I don't have to! In the course of my writing jag, I have discovered that I've made my self a prison and I have long since known I hate it. Now I think I'm getting ready to change some of that. I don't know. Sadly, I visited Facebook the other day and peeked in on some of the people I know. A part of me is REALLY EFFING happy for them and part of me wants to cry and tear my hair out because life seems so effing easy and effortless and fulfilling for them and it is the exact opposite for me. That means something is wrong. Now, from a distance, it seems that a few of my friends just plow their way through life without agonizing over the consequences like I do and they seem much happier. Perhaps I should give it a try? Hmm. . .I don't know. This requires more thought. Maybe my writing jags really are therapy! ^_^
So, I have also discovered that smoking is seriously screwing with my mental health. Yeah, in the long run, it screws with your physical health and all that B.S. but so does eating too much ice cream and I do that without really caring about it. Like most people (perhaps just my generation) I'll worry about it later but this mental crap. . .no. When I stopped smoking, I chilled out. I was less anxious, more patient, happier, healthier, more at peace with my life and where it was and so on. I didn't draw or write a lot but hey! I didn't care! And yeah, I'll miss that little fantasy world I lived in but smoking is plunging me into depression, which just leads me to drawing all kinds of angry, whining bull crap so. . .yeah. . .
No, this doesn't mean that, if I successfully stop smoking again, I'll stop drawing, I just won't draw as much. As I said, I'll miss living in my own little fantasy world (when it's nice and pretty and all that crap) but I'm missing out on life. . .not that I'll have one or do anything anyone can call 'living' but I'll stop making my kids make their own dinner because I'm in 'the zone'.
So, hopefully, I'll successfully quit smoking tomorrow (Thursday May 10th, my sister's birthday!) but I know me. I'll probably cave on my way to pick up my son from school and run screaming into the gas station begging the man to sell me a pack of smoke so I don't kill anyone. X3 We'll see. I'm not making anyone any promises because that just sets me up for failure. I'm looking forward to not smoking for at least a few hours, walking by one of the rivers to curb the cravings, maybe taking in my recycling (my little boxes are overflowing) and I still haven't found a new purse. . .I've wanted a new purse for nearly 9 months now but I don't want just any old purse. . .I want to walk into TJ Maxx and fall desperately in love with a purse and be even more smitten when I see it's less than $40 (yeah, right!). So. . I have several ideas of what to do to kill some time and distract myself (maybe I'll write, or read another chapter of 50 Shades or that FairyTale rewrite naughty novel on my Kindle, or draw something or scan that rabbit I drew at work to post here or buy hair dye or decide what my next tattoo will be or go see a movie all by myself without telling anyone or something) but there is no guarantee that it will be sufficient.
I feel a little better now. I'm almost excited to see what happens tomorrow. Yeah. ^_^ What am I going to do now? Maybe I'll go write a bit. . .I don't know. . .I need to kill some time until I'm sleepy. . .and there's no Guitar Hero here. . .>_> . . .Well. . .here we go!
